………President Rajapaksa licking his wounds after his disastrous visit to the UK shouts ‘those Suddhas (white folks - British) are not half as stupid as they look – they could have easily kept those tiger fellows away from my lunch with the Queen of England – it is a British conspiracy – I should have listened to Liam’. And that bloody Channel 4 gets on to my nerves.

He puts his hand in his pocket and the Mansion House speech comes out. “This speech is not good anyway” he claims. “Those Pottinger fellows can write good speeches. That UN speech they wrote was really good, full of good lies. We should have kept on paying those guys because as they claimed in the secret filming they could have easily influenced Cameron and his policies and would have taken care of PR as well. I was foolish to rely on our High Commission – inefficient lot!! good for nothing!! they are real waste of space!! waste of money!!”.

“I was so looking forward to tell the Suddhas about how bad the LTTE was and how we have released LTTE cadres from the jail after rehabilitation and how we are looking after LTTE leaders like Karuna, Pilayan and KP. How many civilians did Karuna kill? Just imagine 600 unarmed policemen and his involvement in the Central Bank bombing? Of course he killed innocent civilians but we have forgiven him and I have given him a ministerial post as well. Nothing is going to plan and these days!! I have this headache Fonseka. He is becoming real popular. I am trying my level best promote my putha (son – Namal). I try to take him everywhere I go to give him some experience. He is not very bright though.

President Rajapaksa is so very upset that his trusted friends were not in the UK when he was there. Former disgraced Defence Secretary Dr Liam Fox and Lord Naseby were both out of the country.

Dr Fox is the one who travelled with his dear friend Werrity who pretended to be Dr Fox’s adviser and attended defence related meetings with foreign governments. The British government is yet to publicise the investigation into the impostor Werrity.

Lord Naseby is a former RAF pilot who famously said that when you bomb terrorist targets civilians do get killed. He continues to support President Rajapaksa, the commander-in-chief of the Sri Lankan armed forces who has been accused of war crimes and crimes against humanity and the man who has been accused of ordering the shelling of more than 40,000 innocent civilians in the no-fire zone set up by him.

The same Lord has associations with current and past dictators around the world. One wonders why?

The analysis by the Sri Lankan intelligence services has come up with a second conspiracy theory. Kamalesh Sharma who is the Secretary General of the Commonwealth and who is close to the Indian dynasty knowingly invited Rajapaksa to the UK to humiliate him. Rajapaksa being a brave man accepted the invitation. One must remember what Rajapaksa said. He said “I am prepared to go even to the International Criminal Court in the Hague for my mother land”.

The very man was asked to remove the national flag of the mother land from his car by the Scotland Yard officers who gave him protection. The man who was willing to take the electric chair obliged. If, that is not enough shame to bring upon the mother land, President ran in cover in an unmarked Scotland Yard Land Rover and not in his official vehicle.

While waiting for the photo opportunity with members of the commonwealth, David Cameron who was standing next to Rajapaksa initially thought that he was standing next to the peon. Realising it was the Sri Lankan President he had muttered ‘please don’t speak to me in front of cameras. I will be going to the loo in a minute. You can follow me and I will give you five minutes and we can have a chat.

During the protest when a man saw Rajapaksa’s cut-out outside the entrance to Buckingham Palace, he said this man wanted to hang out in the Buckingham Palace and now he is literally hanging outside the palace.

Yet another conspiracy theory is that the austerity measures implemented by the Chancellor have affected the quality of the service provided by the British foreign office and they supplied duff information to the palace. When questioned about the stupidity of inviting a war criminal to the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations, they tried to put the blame on Kamalesh Sharma. One observer said it is so simple and childish to blame an Indian national when entry has been grated to the UK by the British authorities.

One tax payer who saw the police operation during Rajapaksa’s stay in the UK challenged whether the cost of the huge security operations would be reimbursed by the Sri Lankan government. He was questioning the sanity of the person who authorised such massive security operation at huge cost to the tax payer especially when the Chancellor is introducing austerity measures left, right and centre and all this for a war criminal. Is it not a waste of tax payer’s money? This money could have easily gone to the NHS to save some lives.

Meanwhile the Lord Mayor with a sigh of relief says ‘thank God that speech by the war criminal was cancelled. Otherwise I would be in the same position as the Queen facing embarrassment especially from the British media. But what the Lord Mayor does not realise is ‘Where is English etiquette? When you invite someone (albeit without checking his credentials) you must let him speak especially when you invite a Head of State. You cannot cancel a speech claiming that after careful consideration you have decided to cancel the morning event. Then again the Lord Mayor can always put the blame on the poor soul Kamalesh Sharma.